Once Burned, Twice Shy

Ari sat down next to Hayden, and it took a lot of effort not to bristle. She didn’t want Ari there. She was mad at the counselor, mad that the woman had been stupid enough to run into a situation as dangerous as what had happened at the Eye. And she was mad at herself for caring enough that it bothered her. Caring was dangerous. People didn’t stay, and caring about them just made it hurt that much more when they left. Ari could’ve gotten seriously hurt. So could Hannah, but Ari had bulldozed her way through far more of Hayden’s walls than the teenager’s new aunt, so right now she was the focus of the Hayden’s anger. And if Hayden looked over at her right now, she just might explode. Scream or cry or both. Which would inevitably lead to her being pressured to talk about her feelings, and she had no intention of opening that can of fiery worms for anyone. So instead she kept her eyes down on the sketchpad, completely ignoring Ari for all intents and purposes as her pencil made quick, angry strokes of black across the white page.

Her hand stilled at Ari’s question. It took her a second of staring down at the drawing before she figured out what to say. But finally the pencil resumed its movement. “You were there. You should know,” she said bluntly as if it were a stupid question. Although that wasn’t completely true. Yes, the focus of the drawing might be the Eye, but it hadn’t been consumed by Fiendfyre. It had just toppled. Hayden’s pencil halted again as she finally took an actual look at what she was drawing. The flaming dragons had just slipped so naturally into the picture, roaring out of the depths of her subconscious. They stood for everything that was wrong in the world. Everything about this moment that was making her scared or angry. But stopping to acknowledge that brought back memories of going to another place that was supposed to be safe and hadn’t been. Memories of fiery monsters ripping through a store. Of flames hunting for her parents as if they could think for themselves. The heat. The fear. The screams tearing out of her chest at she heard the roof cave in. The horrible realization settling in her gut as she realized she was now utterly alone.

It was too much. Hayden took hold of the page and ripped it off the pad, wadding it up into a ball that she hurled at her closed door. If her anger hadn’t shown before, it definitely did now. But she still couldn’t bring herself to look over at Ari. Because if she did, it was all going to come roaring out. And Hayden wasn’t ready for that. Especially not with someone who thought it was a good idea to run around throwing herself into danger. Someone who literally had no obligation to Hayden anymore. How much longer would this little visits last now that she was adopted? One way or another, she was going to end up losing Ari. And knowing that was making her mad and scared and agitated because how in the world had she let herself care enough about someone that the thought of losing them actually bothered her? What right did Ari have to force her way into Hayden’s life when she was just going to leave it again? Hayden’s hand tightened around her pencil until her knuckles turned white. Her eyes slid from the door back to the sketchpad resting against her knees. She had intended to keep her mouth shut, to shove Ari out before any further damage could be done, but instead she found herself blurting out, “People died yesterday.” Her voice was tight, like a rubber band stretched so far it was threatening to snap. But it was also accusatory. Ari could’ve died too. She could’ve been gone in the blink of an eye. Just like Hayden’s parents. The difference was they had gotten trapped in a building, while Ari had run straight into the danger. On purpose. And that made Hayden angry. More angry than she’d been in a long time.

Of course Ari missed the point. Hayden hadn’t really expected her to get it. If she had, she wouldn’t have gone running around a warzone full of Death Eaters. Hayden bit the inside of her cheek to keep from responding. She needed to shut-up before this got worse. But then Ari was asking about Hannah in that caring voice, and Hayden just couldn’t keep her anger to herself anymore. “Why do you even care?” she asked, finally looking up at Ari with blazing eyes. “I’m not your problem anymore, remember? I got adopted. Your job’s done. You can walk whenever you want.” Her angry gaze fell back on the blank sketchpad in front of her. “Not that it matters. You’re probably just going to get yourself killed running around Death Eater attacks anyway. And don’t you dare give me some fluffy line about how you’re not going anywhere because it’ll just make you a liar.”

Sensing that Ari might have a thing or two to say about that, Hayden abruptly pushed the sketchpad off her lap and dropped her pencil on it before getting to her feet. Her bedroom wasn’t big, but she took a few steps away to put some space between herself and Ari. She didn’t want the counselor somehow weaseling her way back in. Not now. It would just make things hurt even more when she inevitably left. It was far easier to stay angry. So Hayden kept going. “And safe? Seriously? Nowhere is safe. Not even places that are supposed to be. People go to the Eye for a nice day out and they end up getting crushed. They go to Diagon Alley to buy their kid a wand, and they burn to death in a fire! That’s just how the world is. You lose people. And all the fairy tale hocus pocus there is won’t change that.” Part of Hayden had been hoping she could talk the anger away, get this awful tightness in her chest to ease up. But rather than relieving the pressure, it only seemed to be building. She started to pace the floor of the room as words just kept coming out. “So I’m adopted now. So what? That doesn’t mean anything. They could change their minds tomorrow. All the other families did. People always act like the good things will last, but they never do. It’s all just a big lie. Because that’s what people do. They lie. They say they want you, and then they send you back. They say they’re not going anywhere, and then they go running around a warzone like they’re trying to get cursed by Death Eaters! They tell you they’re going to be fine, to leave them and they’ll meet you outside, and then they never do because they’re dead! One way or another, you lose everybody!”

Her tone had been rising in volume as she went. But now it dropped abruptly. She had pushed the anger too far, and now the fear and pain underneath were starting to come through. Hayden blinked rapidly to hold back the tears surging forward in her eyes. “Everyone keeps pushing me and pushing me to let them in, but I can’t. They’ll just leave or die or send me away, and I can’t… I can’t do that again.” That was what truly scared her about the O’Briens. What had her so terrified about Ari being at the Eye. Hayden actually wanted to like these people. She had more to lose now than ever before, and it was utterly terrifying. She had been trying so hard not to cry, but her shaky voice finally cracked over the last sentence. And then the whole dam went with it. An entire mountain of pent up emotion was suddenly threatening to break free, and Hayden pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes in a doomed effort to make it stop. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. If she cried, Ari would try extra hard to fix it. And Hayden couldn’t take that. Not if Ari was going to leave. She took an unconscious step backward, just in case Ari had gotten up off the floor. If the guidance counselor made contact, Hayden would most definitely go completely to pieces. And once that happened, she wasn’t sure she could ever put herself back together.

Ari looked surprised at Hayden’s tone, and for a second the Ravenclaw actually felt guilty. But she forced herself to quash the feeling. She couldn’t back down now. She couldn’t afford to care this much. Not about somebody who could disappear at any moment.

She heard Ari get up, and she pulled her hands away from her face to find the counselor kneeling in front of her. Hayden had tears trickling down her cheeks as her eyes met Ari’s only to quickly slid away again. She wanted to believe Ari. Wanted it so badly it hurt. “You can’t promise that,” she whispered. “You don’t know. You could walk outside and get hit by a bus.” That was the world they lived in. People were there one minute, and gone the next.

Ari kept talking in that same quiet voice. A minute ago it had only stoked Hayden’s anger, but now it was oddly calming. She ran her sleeve across her damp cheeks to get rid of the tearstains. Not that it mattered. The tears were still coming slowly but surely. And Ari’s explanation wasn’t helping. It was just making Hayden feel even worse. She couldn’t look Ari in the eye as she listened. As much as she hated it, the counselor was right. There had to be people who ran towards danger. People who pulled ten-year-old girls out of burning buildings. Who made sure parents got to go home to their kids. Hayden took another frustrated swipe at her eyes in a failed effort to stop crying. “I know,” she said, her voice scratchy. But that didn’t mean she was okay with it. She squeezed her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose. She wasn’t good at this. At explaining what she was feeling.

Finally she lowered herself to the ground so she was sitting in front of Ari with her arms around her knees. “If you don’t go, other people die. But if you do go, you could die too. What kind of a choice is that?” The hoarse words were directed at her feet instead of Ari. She felt like she was being selfish for wanting Ari safe. It was an ethical dilemma. One Hayden very much didn’t like. She ran a hand over one of her damp cheeks, not even bothering with the other. It was just going to get wet again anyway. Normally she hated crying in front of people. Hayden was the sort of person who waited until the lights were off and everyone else was asleep before letting herself cry. But this conversation needed to be had, and the waterworks were pretty much unavoidable.

She picked at one of her socks to give herself a reason not to look up. “I know you had to go. But anything could’ve happened. Any time you go out there, anything could happen. How am I supposed to be okay with that?” It was more of a plea than an argument. Was it going to be like this every time? Knowing Ari had to go but also being terrified she wouldn’t come back? How was she supposed to love something it was so easy to lose? It hurt too much. Sort of like her chest hurt right now. Hayden put her elbows on her knees so she could put her hands on top of her head as the tears pressed a little harder. Okay, so maybe she wasn’t totally okay with Ari seeing her crying. But. “I don’t want you to go,” she blurted out, circling back to Ari’s earlier comment about being pushed out. Her voice was wobbly and muffled by her forearms. But she meant it, even if she couldn’t bring herself to look up.

A few deep breaths helped ease the tightness in her chest. That seemed to slow the tears too. They were very nearly stopped when Ari started talking again. One word in particular caught Hayden’s attention. She lifted her head, red eyes searching Ari’s as she sniffed back the last remaining tears. “We,” she said carefully. Her voice was hoarse, but her eyes were sharp as she ran her sleeve across her face. She was more or less composed now. Her entire focus was locked in on Ari’s words. Hayden had always wondered what someone like Ari was doing at an orphanage. Most subjects were an open book with the guidance counselor, but Ari’s past had always been a topic that wasn’t open for discussion. Questions about it were all casually deflected away. Something about the way she said that word though… Invisible pieces clicked into place in Hayden’s mind. “You’re an orphan too.”

She wanted to ask how it had happened, but she had a feeling it was a fairly traumatic story if Ari went to so much trouble not to talk about it. Even so, it was like a door had finally swung open. Like some part of Hayden that had been carefully locked away was being seen by another person. And not just seen but actually understood. A whole layer of defenses seemed to have just slipped away as Hayden finally met Ari’s gaze, damp cheeks and all. Because if Ari really did understand, then all her words would no longer be just words. They would mean something. Something Hayden just might be willing to let herself take hold of.