Surrender

They needed to talk? Lead poured into Remus' gut at the few short words of Gabriel's note, sent by a very official looking owl (Remus didn't even register it as one of the Ministry's, in his shock). Those words didn't bode well. They weren't words he expected at all in the middle of the day, either, and they blindsided him. If they hadn't...Remus might have left. Not been there when Gabriel showed up, so he didn't have to hear whatever the man had to say. Remus was still vulnerable, still overthinking everything there was to overthink. He questioned his every decision on his own and he didn't know if he could take someone else questioning them right now, not again. The lead in Remus' gut solidified the more he worried and he sat heavily on his living room couch, waiting.

Remus' head was clearly out of whack, evidenced by what he was giving so much worry to and what he wasn't giving much of a second thought to at all. He'd heard the talk, of the wand ban. Remus just didn't have it in him to worry about those things too much anymore. He was a man who had everything taken from him, more than once, at some point in his life. And he always managed, somehow. He was still alive, at any rate. But people...Remus couldn't lose anymore of those. His craving for companionship was stronger than any other force in him, it always had been, and the continuous loss of people he cared about was more debilitating than hunger or loss of magic. Remus managed to keep himself alive but he never managed to keep himself alone.

And as he sat on his couch and waited, he blamed himself. It was clear to him this was the very reason why Gabriel was coming to talk to him. Remus was too needy. He was too much, in general. He'd worked himself into quite the funk by the time there was a knock on the door, so much so that the sight of Gabriel behind it pulled only half of its usual smile to Remus' face. "Hi." Gabriel didn't look happy but Remus didn't have time to examine every inch of him - the man was handing him a note. He'd already sent him an owl, so that was sort of strange...Remus brought his eyebrows together and unfolded the parchment.

Remus' face cycled through such a rapid series of emotions he was in danger of pulling a facial muscle. The official Ministry parchment, strangely enough, initially brought him relief. This was Ministry business, not Gabriel's. The words on the parchment, though...now that they were being addressed directly to him, Remus J Lupin, now he had time to worry about them. The Ministry wasn't demanding their wands. They were coming after them. Anger colored the new expression on Remus' face.

"They're not allowed to do this. There was nothing in the Act-" It wasn't anger at Gabriel, though. Remus took a mental step back when he looked back up at the man, cutting himself off and listening to his voice of reason. Gabriel was doing nothing here but his job. He was even trying to make it easier on Remus...all of Remus' thoughts from when he was waiting flooded from him now. His face crumpled; he had to tense his whole body up to regain his composure. He wanted to apologize for even thinking it. Gabriel sounded so sincere, so...real, was the word for it. He wasn't someone Remus had made up in his head.

"I'm sorry. I'll go...I'll go get it. It's upstairs." Remus lingered in the doorway for a beat too long and then reached behind Gabriel to shut the front door, leading the man inside with a gentle hand on his back. It probably wouldn't be good for either of them for him to stay too long right now; but Remus wasn't going to leave him standing on the doorstep. He hurried up the stairs and fished his wand out of his bedside table.

Once it was actually in his hand, Remus felt another flood of emotion, like it was coming from the wand itself. Like magic. He'd had this one for a pretty long time. He'd gotten it when he first started his serious study of wandless magic; his previous wand had been too jealous, and had stopped working for him entirely once it learned Remus could sometimes do magic without it now. Remus had never used this current wand all too much - but he usually took it with him, at least, and kept it in a safe spot in the house so he could always find it. He felt an inexplicable nakedness without it; like it was one more link that connected him to wizard, man, and not beast.

Before the time he spent upstairs became suspicious, Remus tucked the wand into his palm and headed back down the stairs. He went back to Gabriel, holding the wand handle-end out to him. "You're not causing yourself any trouble doing this, are you?" He tried to smile and he tried not to feel so bloody ashamed but he failed pretty miserably at both and his voice sounded uncharacteristically small. Not having a wand wouldn't be as devastating to Remus as it would be to other werewolves (and he'd get to work on that as soon as Gabriel left, by Merlin) - but there was nothing like a little sanctioned discrimination to knock a man down a peg or two on his self-esteem. The Ministry was working so hard nowadays to strip away all of the good things Remus spend forty years trying to believe about himself, and they were doing it in one-tenth the time.

It didn't take much from Gabriel to make Remus feel like everything was going to be okay. Everything wasn't going to be okay, and Remus knew that, but just a look and a few soft words from Gabriel let him feel like it could be. Like it would be, in the moments whenever the young Auror was around. That was more than enough for Remus. He was used to nothing being okay and could just be grateful for the refuge the other man provided. It was gratefulness that ate right through any anger the world incited in Remus, and it all it took was a look and softly spoken phrase.

Those looks and words were part of the reason Remus didn't bother with the time upstairs that Gabriel urged him to take. The longer he dwelt on this alone, the hotter the anger returned. May as well get it over with, pass the baton, so to speak. Once it was out of his hands, Remus would have an easier time accepting and letting go of that anger. Maybe he could convince Gabriel to stay for tea, or something. He was sure that would help, too.

Even with all the tea and handsome blondes in the world, the actual moment of turning in his wand was tough. Remus couldn't help but feel ashamed; the Ministry had always been most excellent at making an innocent man feel like the world's most heinous criminal. Remus felt as dangerous as they said he was, in times like these, and it made him feel dirty. He had a hard time meeting Gabriel's eyes, which wasn't really an issue because Gabriel wasn't looking at him either. The passing over of his wand, an act of half a second, felt stretched to an hour.

And then it was gone. Gabriel had his wand. Remus shuffled on the carpet, feeling a bit lightheaded. He didn't really need a wand, but now he didn't have one. He wasn't allowed one. He wasn't allowed to have what other wizards had because there were people, a good chunk of quite powerful people, who didn't consider Remus a wizard. He was an animal. Thoughts like that were beyond the realm of logic and sense, the two powers Remus used to order the world, and they made him feel very small. Powerless.

His gaze shot up from the floor at Gabriel's promise. Gabriel. Refuge. Safety. Remus watched him set his wand down and then he all but collapsed into the other man's hands. So grateful for those hands. "Don't get in trouble for me." Remus nuzzled against the thumb on his cheek, letting pain and hurt and shame float to the surface to show on his face among all his scars, because Remus was vulnerable but there was nothing more vulnerable than surrendering oneself to the mercy of another. Gabriel wanted to fight for him. He wanted to make the world easier for Remus. Remus stepped in closer, past Gabriel's hands to his arms, and hid his face in the man's shoulder. "I know we will. I know." They were a we. Their troubles were the same, to some extent. Remus rolled his head to peek up at Gabriel from his shoulder. "Can you stay? I need to thank you and the only way I can think of right now is a stupid cup of tea."

Gabriel wanted to get in trouble for him - said he was worth getting in trouble for. And Gabriel was using what was quickly becoming Remus' new favorite word again - we. It made Remus feel warm all over, combined with the way Gabriel was hugging him close, chasing out all the chill seeping through Remus' body. A hug like that did fix everything, in its own way. Remus had faced the ugly world before and he would face it again and again. Having someone that still wanted to hold him afterward made the fight to keep on slightly more appealing. He didn't feel like giving up nearly as much when he could slip his arms around Gabriel's waist and hold onto a warm, solid piece of the world.

Remus instinctively rolled his head up when he felt Gabriel's lips against his skin, but the man had something to say that was even more generous than his kiss. "Mm, doubtful. The only other person that should know what's in my wand is Ollivander himself. Have you used your other wand lately, though? They can get jealous." Two wizards without a useful wand between them would just make their troubles worse, and Remus felt a sense of outright dread at having Gabriel sacrifice anything more than what he already was for him. He straightened up a bit, staying in Gabriel's arms, and returned a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you. If it doesn't work out, don't worry. I can do most of what I need to get by with my hands. There's nothing in the Act about that." Gabriel's embrace was more than just warm and safe; it was emboldening. His heat spread through Remus and reignited his own fire, the one so easily doused by a lifelong shame but just as easily brought back to life with a little encouragement and support.

And tea. Remus' mind inevitably wandered to tea; it was the only proper way to thank Gabriel right now. Gabriel, never more American than when the topic of tea was brought up, of course found this hilarious. He was absolutely beautiful (even moreso than normal, somehow) when he grinned, so Remus didn't really mind the serious national affront all that much. He even managed to grin back, disengaging himself from around Gabriel only to slip the man's hand in his own and tug him toward the kitchen. "A man after my own heart. We'll even do it the proper proper way. No magic."