Listen

Remus awoke in the early morning hours to a light tapping on his bedroom window. The sun was very weak this early, but he still squinted against it as he rolled over to see what all the ruckus was about. There was an owl sitting on the windowsill, holding a letter. Remus felt a rush of nerves as he pushed out of bed and into his slippers - he much preferred early-morning owls to late-night owls, but the content of any such letter that couldn't wait until a more reasonable hour was usually never very happy.

This one, though, was. Maybe. It took Remus a while to maneuver the window open with his slowly healing hands, and then he had to rummage around for both a treat for the owl and his glasses before he could sit back down on his bed and read the letter. It was more of a note, really - and it was from Gabriel. Remus' stomach did another flip. It was quite early to be thinking about the man, and Remus was extra vulnerable to all of the things thinking about Gabriel did to him. Gabriel was coming to visit. That was happy, right? Remus was always happy to see him, at least, even if the man wasn't very happy with him right now. Apparently he had something to say that couldn't wait. Remus couldn't even begin to describe how he felt about that.

Coffee would help him sort out his feelings, surely. Remus was thoroughly a tea man, a true Brit, but sometimes a situation just called for coffee. Situations in which he wanted to be as cognizant and present as possible, for instance. It did tend to make him a bit jumpy and agitated if he drank too much of it - but that wasn't a worry this morning. Remus just got a pot started when there was a knock on his door.

He knew who it was, but he checked through the curtains anyway. Perhaps he was hesitating just a bit, buying time. Right now he was living in a world where Gabriel might possibly hate him, but was still taking care of him. Once Remus opened the door, that world would be gone - for better or for worse. That was a risk he had to take - because there was no way in hell he was leaving Gabriel standing outside on his front porch.

Remus lost what little of his nerve he had left as soon as he opened the door. Gabriel positively glowed in this light; Remus swore, sometimes he was just too good to look at for very long. "Hello." Almost immediately after the first thing from his mouth that morning, Remus yawned. He shook it off as he moved out of the way so Gabriel could come inside, gazing up at the slightly taller man and, as always, falling into a smile. "You never bother me." Remus wondered how many times he would have to tell Gabriel before he believed it. These thoughts, the haziness of early morning, and the feeling of his hands in Gabriel's...all served as a very good distraction, almost making Remus miss the man's next words. After a brief pause of staring lovingly down at his knuckles, Remus took a sharp intake of breath and snapped his gaze back up.

"Really?" He tried to squeeze Gabriel's hands, but ended up just wincing instead. His face thereafter kept a mixed expression of pain, happiness, and hope - right at home on his scarred visage. "Okay, yes. Of course!" Much more gently, he tugged at Gabriel's hands, before turning to loop an arm behind his back and nudge him toward the kitchen. "Let's go to the kitchen. I made coffee."

"It's true," Remus shrugged. It was true. Seeing Gabriel instantly lit him up every time - how on Earth could he be bothered by that? "Someone must have forgotten to tell your owl that," Remus teased quietly, sneaking a glance up at Gabriel beneath his eyelashes just before the man filled his heart to the brim, giving Remus the two things he wanted most out of Gabriel - plenty of kisses, and a chance. Gabriel was going to listen to his explanation, finally. Remus had to struggle to reign in the unbridled joy he felt at this chance as he led Gabriel to the kitchen. It was just a chance to explain, not necessarily to fix everything. There was a chance his explanation just might make everything worse. Oh, Merlin. Remus shook his head at himself and focused on the fact that Gabriel was here, right here and right now, and he had an arm around him and everything felt fine. Just fine.

"Well, it is just so early," Remus teased the blonde again, winking and releasing him to lean against a counter. Gabriel always brought out a youthfulness in Remus no matter what else he might be feeling - and for Remus, youthfulness meant mischievousness. He sneaked glances at Gabriel as he poured the coffee, mostly because he liked to look at him but also for any sign or clue of how the other man might be feeling. Gabriel could be pretty good at hiding his emotions and that made Remus nervous, too. His hands shook a little as he topped off the coffee mugs and brought them to the counter, setting them down next to Gabriel. Remus looked at him a moment, and then left his side again to fetch the milk and sugar. When he finally settled in, turned toward Gabriel with his hip against the counter and his hands tucked under his arms, they were ready.

"I think...you should ask me what you want to know. And I can fill in the other bits as I go." His voice lifted into a question at the end, seeking Gabriel's approval of this plan. Now that the time was here, Remus actually had no idea how to start. When he imagined himself telling Gabriel everything, it all sort of just came out at once, as is only possible in dreams.

He didn't have all of Gabriel, he could tell by the way man restrained himself and the tension that seemed to radiate from his very bones - but it was a whole lot better than nothing. Gabriel was here, and that was something, something Remus could work with. It was much better than not having him here at all, and this was Remus' chance to put that to bed for good. Gabriel was giving him his chance to explain and Remus wasn't going to waste a drop of it. He made sure to flash his most adoring smile Gabriel's way when he caught onto his little early morning joke, and he made sure to pull down Gabriel's favorite mug for him to drink his coffee out of (did he have a favorite mug? Remus was pretty sure he'd seen him drink out of this one at least twice.)

"Slowly but surely," Remus answered Gabriel's question over his hands, pausing and flexing his fingers almost fully for him, both to show off his newly regained trick and to stop their shaking. Once he was leaning across the counter from Gabriel, he busied himself with the milk and sugar because the more awake he felt, the more restless he became. He had so much he wanted to tell Gabriel, and he had to do it right. He handed Gabriel the lead, hoping that would maybe help him get his thoughts in order.

Though Gabriel seemed to be struggling, too. Remus knew there were just as many questions as there were answers about this whole ordeal, but it didn't really make him nervous. He thought, given a chance, that his excuses really were rather sound. Only time would tell, and after a few false starts where Remus watched Gabriel patiently, Gabriel asked his first question. It wasn't really the one Remus expected first - it didn't really have anything to do with the two of them, and that was where Remus felt the biggest need to explain himself - but really, it was a good one to start. A little thorough background research never hurt anyone, Remus always said.

"The Order of the Phoenix has always been, first and foremost, an opposition group to Voldemort and his followers," Remus began, sounding every bit the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor he was born to be - and that was probably not good. He didn't want to be condescending or anything of the sort, just open and honest. He took a sip of coffee before starting again. "That's grown a bit more complicated since the '70s, though...mainly because there is no longer a Voldemort to speak of. We've evolved into quite more of a resistance movement since then, with no one main goal, just trying to help clear the world of his...residuals. I for one very much doubt Voldemort's influence will be gone from this Earth in my lifetime, or yours. We just want to make sure it doesn't become a problem again."

Maybe Remus did a little too good of a job making this sound like less of a history lesson, because Gabriel's next question threw him completely off guard. He was expecting more questions about what exactly it was that the Order did, or maybe what Remus' role in it was...but Gabriel went straight to the heart of it. Remus gaped at him for a moment, the weight of Gabriel's sudden and undivided attention holding Remus still in place. He busied himself with another sip of coffee to give himself time to switch his train of thought over. Explaining why he had lied to Gabriel might prove more difficult than explaining the history of a multi-decade secret organization.

Remus waited until it seemed like Gabriel got all of his questions out - this was something quite a bit more emotional than simple questioning, and Remus needed to know what he was really asking. What was really bothering Gabriel, more than anything. When the corners of the blonde's mouth ticked up, Remus blinked in confusion but smiled back instinctively. Ah - wolves. "I didn't personally think that, no," Remus said, shaking his head. "But it wasn't just my decision to make. We have protocol, given the sensitive nature of the organization. Everyone has to come to an agreement on who needs to know what we're doing, and it takes time." Surely Gabriel could understand that, knowing now who was a part of the Order - half of his coworkers, the same people he'd been trying to gain trust from for months. "I've trusted you, Gabriel, for a long time. I know you're a good man. If it means anything, I was going to tell you eventually. Invite you in. I would have fought for you. The timing was just off." The future of the Order was still rather up in the air, but Remus knew Gabriel would have been a perfect fit.

Gabriel abandoned his coffee just like he abandoned any pretense that he wasn't bothered by this conversation. Good - Remus liked Gabriel best when he was open, vulnerable with no distractions. He spoke his truths then, like explaining what he wanted and how he just couldn't get it. Remus sighed and put his own coffee cup down, reaching out and putting a light hand on Gabriel's forearm. "And that's all I want, is for you to try. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit, though. You came here this morning wanting to listen. I think you're starting to understand something, good or bad."