Memories

Theo was feeling decidedly vague about today. It felt final, whatever was coming, for better or for worse. This was the first they'd heard from Harry Potter in weeks, and surely that meant something. Something was about to change. Theo was desperate for change, he couldn't stand being in his house anymore, he only hoped he wouldn't be trading one cell for another. Surely this memory thing would work. It had to. He had nothing to hide. His only lie had already been long exposed - the cover up of the incident in the first place.

So, Theo was hopeful. But, admittedly, he wasn't exactly excited about reliving that day yet again. He'd never heard of the process Harry detailed in his letter, but it sounded painful. He hoped Harry would be able to pull the memory from him without his having to think his whole way through it again. He'd done that enough. If today was going to be final, it was going to be the end of that, too. Of reliving his worst nightmare. If Theo could just escape his physical confinement he might finally be able to work on the imprisonment of his mind, too.

For that, there was one person in particular he would need help from - and as always, Theo was excited to see her. That made all those vague feelings a little easier to ignore, his excitement at seeing Mali again. Today would be hard on the both of them; but this time, if they were lucky, they might not have to leave each other afterward. Theo was practically beside himself with this possibility. When Mister Lupin finally arrived on his doorstep, Theo was beyond ready to go.

Mister Lupin was a bit more subdued than Theo, as he had been the past couple of times Theo had seen him - not that he could blame the bloke at all. Poor guy. Theo was sort of glad for it, really - when they left his house and were actually in sight of the Leaky Cauldron, all that excitement and vagueness in his chest clamped down, tensing him up. He wasn't sure he could actually hold a conversation. Entering the pub, Theo's attention immediately went to the bar, but he stayed dutifully trailing Mister Lupin. Somehow he didn't believe getting drunk would be conducive to memory gathering, even if it would ease his anxiety.

Mister Lupin took him to a backroom and opened the door. Theo followed him in, sweeping his gaze over the thing on the table and nodding at Harry Potter, before his attention inevitably went to Mali. She didn't look like she was doing too good; Theo tried his best to smile for her as he went around the table. "Hello," he leaned down to kiss her before settling into the chair beside her. Then, he looked back at Harry Potter, whom he strangely always found it sort of hard to directly look at. "Let's do this."

Mali looked sick, Harry mused, and he honestly didn't feel much better. If she looked that apprehensive at sharing her memories, the odds of them being pleasant to experience were not good; not to mention that he was going to get to watch Frank Longbottom and the unfortunate Mr. Fischer die. The thought was a stone in his gut, jostling uncomfortably as they wove their way through Muggle London to the Leaky Cauldron.

It was only lightened by the fact that this was the right thing to do, and he knew it. He wondered at not thinking of it sooner (more guilt), even if it was understandable - it was getting harder for him to do productive work at the Ministry, harder to file things, harder to investigate, and as such he'd been working a lot recently to dig through it all - but with a Pensieve the truth would be revealed. (useful tool, that).

Oddly enough, Tonks' death had been the thing that had set him in motion. Harry had barely had time to grieve, and at first he hadn't even understood, positive that it was a lie and that he'd see Tonks at work the next day. But she hadn't come the next day, or the next, and the next, and he'd been forced to accept that someone very dear to him was gone, and that things were no longer going to be the same. That moment had pulled his emotions in every direction - empathy and worry for Remus and the little Lupins, fury at the culprit, and an awful gloom - but had also made something very clear to him.

The world was not safe. It (maybe) never had been, and that was a shock to Harry, who'd spent the last 5, 6 years of his life actively working to make it so. He wasn't doing enough to fix it, he wasn't pushing enough to change things. And that had to stop. People couldn't wait around- they were dying, they were hurting, they were suffering every day, and if Harry could do just one thing to fix that he would know he was going in the right direction.

Like this one; something he should have done a while ago.

At the least, Mali and Theo would be free, their wands returned - he had one of the clerks at the Ministry on standby, ready to give them back the second formality allowed. But first they had to get through today.

"It doesn't hurt," he reassured Mali as they wandered into the room, the Pensieve waiting for them on the table. He had his hands shoved in his pockets, though his wand was ready if he needed it. He opened his mouth to keep talking as Mali sat, but she spoke first. Harry pushed his bangs out of his eyes and nodded. "Yes," he said, gently as possible. "It's easy to tell if memories have been altered- there will be no doubt that your memories are real and true. A few formalities of filing for me and you'll be all set." A lot of formalities of filing, in fact, but Mali didn't need to know that - she probably felt guilty enough.

Theodore Ashland and Remus Lupin joined the little gloomy party, and Harry nodded at Theo - though the man had no interest for him, heading straight to Mali. Harry couldn't help it, his lips turned up a little at the sight.

Remus crossed to him and asked about his wellbeing, making Harry have to actively resist the urge to raise an eyebrow. Remus was one of the best of them, he mused as he murmured a hello. If he lived up to be half the man that Remus was, Harry had no doubt that he'd be going in the right direction. "Not too bad," he said easily, gaze searching on Remus' face. "How about you?" The question was calm, with no expectation - Remus could say 'terrible' or 'good' and Harry wouldn't pry - it was more of a statement of support than a question.

Everyone was seated but him, and Harry leaned on the back of a chair, feeling a bit too antsy to sit. "I promised to let the two of you work it out," he said to them now, adjusting his glasses. "If you don't want to go through this, then that's fine. It's up to you who goes, or goes first." Harry shifted his weight. "It shouldn't hurt, but you will have to recall the memory to mind for it to be, er, copied. And then I'll be viewing it in -" he gestured to the Pensieve, then turned back to the two, waiting for their answers.

Closed up in this small space with him now, with nowhere else to really look, Theo realized why he always found himself uncomfortable in the presence of Harry Potter. As he sat there with his own emotions rising, of their own volition, at the task before them - Harry Potter had it all together. From Theo's perspective, the so-called Boy Who Lived always had it together. He was professional and personable, even when Theo was looming and threatening to break his office desk. Mister Lupin, too, was just the same. Theo realized he wasn't like any of these people, that he couldn't meet their expectations. That was also most certainly, to a degree, the nerves talking - but it most certainly didn't help him prepare for what could be the most important moment of his life.

Mali helped, a little, even if she wouldn't kiss him or even look at him. Just being there was enough. Theo knew she was nervous too. It was his fault she was here in the first place; he couldn't blame her (he'd already done enough of that). She was here and that was all that mattered. When Harry Potter spoke up and explained the process to them, Mali surprised him by jumping on the chance to go first. He looked around at her and still she wouldn't look at him. He would stare until she did. "Are you sure?"

Theo would be more than happy to let Mali do the remembering if she truly wanted to; but something was leaving him feeling unsettled about the whole thing. He reached for her hand under the table, for his own reassurance, playing her questions to Harry Potter over in his mind a few times. Every bit of him begged for him to just stay silent, let Mali take the lead like always and spare him the trauma of reliving that day again. It just didn't feel right to stay silent, though, and this feeling of right and wrong is where Theo struggled, his tongue tied. He didn't feel it often, to be perfectly honest. Theo always played to win, always choosing the outcome that was best for himself. He was selfish, simply put. But when one loves someone an awful lot, they sort of become an extension of self. And he loved Mali an awful lot.

"They'll probably need to see what happened before." Theo spoke quietly, distraction evident in his voice. His gaze lingered still on Mali, but he finally looked at Harry Potter. "Before she got there. Can we split it up? So neither of us has to do the whole thing."

There was a pair of eyes burning their way right through Mali and still she was resistant to meet Theo's gaze. While one might think looking at him would strengthen her decision, remind her of who she would be protecting or helping by agreeing to go along with it she was afraid it would have the opposite effect. If she looked at Theo it might stir up memories of the easy little smile on his face as he chased down Mister Fischer, or maybe the terrified and confused Theo after the curse had lifted. It could break her resolve and they would go back to rotting away in their respective homes turned prison cells. The cracks were already forming.

The allure of Theo was too hard to resist for long, even given the situation. Eventually Mali couldn't help herself, she turned her attention to him. There was the hint of a fond smile pulling at the corner of her lips and she nodded, stirring up a bit more confidence. "Absolutely sure." It didn't matter that she didn't feel absolutely sure, the sight of Theo did actually help. They were in this together, him and her. When Theo took her hand she laced her fingers with his. They could do this. He even posed a sort of compromise to the problem at hand and the witch looked to Mister Potter, hope brightening her face.

Of course things couldn't be that easy, though. Mali could feel defeat slumping her shoulders as he sort've stumbled through his answer. They were both on the hook for the full experience. "Let's get on with it then. I'll still go first." Her voice had fallen flat at first, resigned to the task but soon took on an irritated edge. "Just take the memory, get it over with." Her free hand reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear, as if to give him clearer access to her coveted recollection. She wasn't angry, really. Her frustration just had no outlet but Mali wouldn't be Mali if she wasn't full of empathy and compassion. The frustration eased suddenly as she realized what 'getting on with it' meant for Harry.

Mali pulled her hand from Theo's to snatch up Mister Potter's hand, reaching across the table and taking it before he could go for his wand to do the deed. "I need you to remember that we did everything we could." It felt important, for him to know that they didn't simply turn their backs on the men while they were alive. "Theo tried to resist the curse." He tried so hard, it was heartbreaking. "I tried to help them. You have to remember that, alright? I don't know if that can bring you any comfort through this, but it's what we can offer. We fought for them." That was her last ditch effort at comforting The Boy Who Lived and after, Mali sat back in her chair, glanced back towards Theo and then stiffened her spine, ready to allow Harry into the private memory.